Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Happily Divorced: Does “Happily Ever After” Still Exist?


We have all been exposed to, at some point or another, one of those cheesy, romantic “love stories” where the guy gets the girl, they walk off into the sunset together, and everything is presumed to be perfect for eternity after. It seems like this was a major theme in the movies and shows we watched as children, but what about now? As I tried to think of any instance where this has been the scenario in the plot of an adult-themed show or movie of this decade, I struggled to come up with an answer. It has become increasingly hard to find movies about idealistic couples and their perfect lives, and even harder to find shows about them. 
While going over the Segrin & Nabi (2002) article in class the other day and discussing whether the television has gotten less idealistic and “rosy” or the audience has become more cynical, I tried to work out this question with my own experiences with television. I tried to come up with one example (other than the Bachelor and Bachelorette) that did, indeed, mirror the idealistic view of marriage and relationships that Segrin & Nabi’s (2002) study participants valued for their own hypothetical relationships. When I came up with goose egg, I wondered if there were more examples of counterscripts of the values mentioned by their participants. According to Segrin & Nabi (2002), some of the most frequently mentioned expectations of marriage mentioned by the participants in their study were “time together,” “physical intimacy,” “positive affect,” and “permanence.” When thinking about this, I realized that I have seen more instances of the opposite of these values on television than I have of the actual values. For example, there is a show on TVLand called Happily Divorced, that proposes the idea of divorce being more ideal than marriage. For those of us (probably most of us) who don’t watch TVLand on a regular basis, here is a clip of the show that basically explains the overall premise. 

The show is about Fran and Peter, a long-time married but recently divorced couple, who live together despite the fact that Fran’s ex-husband Peter is gay. Although the couple in the show is not actually a couple, according to dominant cultural norms, they are perceived as being happy with their situation. The show presents the couple in a number of ways that goes against a lot of the “ideal” expectations of relationships.  First, and most obviously, they are not married. The show is proposing that you don’t have to be married to have an “ideal” relationship with someone. This is directly contradicting the “permanence” ideal as proposed by Segrin & Nabi (2002). In fact, since the couple is divorced, they are able to maintain a lasting relationship while not being committed to one another. The second idea that the show contradicts is “physical intimacy.” The couple obviously does not have sex anymore, due to the fact that Peter is gay. The show seems to be suggesting that the two can have a relationship without having to be physically intimate, which definitely runs against the majority of romantic scripts found in media. Lastly, the show also questions “time together,” and “positive affect” as “ideal” qualities as a necessity for a couple. In the show, both Fran and Peter actively seek other partners, both for sexual gains and other, and the other partner seems completely fine with this. The show is not stressing the need for people to spend infinite amounts of time with each other or to even enjoy the other’s company on a regular basis in order for them to be happy. The show often deals with Fran and Peter’s differences and conflicts and shows how the two find a way to work through them in order to create a deeper friendship.
Although the show Happily Divorced seems to be proposing that the new standard for an “ideal” relationship may look a lot different than what was once thought to be “ideal,” the show also stresses the need for “couples” to be friends or partners, suggesting that, even though they are not still married, they should still be there for each other like they once were. So, maybe “happily ever after” still does exist. Maybe it just looks a little different.

2 comments:

  1. You raise some very interesting points about divorce being portrayed as an ideal situation as opposed to a nightmare, as it usually is on television and in movies. I haven't watched this show, but from what you describe I can't help but think that had the couple split because of any other reason--that Peter was a heterosexual, and had cheated or they weren't in love anymore or they had too many differences, etc--the show wouldn't exist. It seems that Peter and Fran are able to live together with no problems only because Peter is gay; if he were heterosexual, it doesn't seem as if there would be any way they could live together and have the healthy relationship they do (I don't imagine that Fran would be too enthusiastic about Peter bringing home other women for a roll in the hay). The show is almost qualifying this particular post-divorce relationship as good because the sexual tension/issues/attraction is resolved with Peter's homosexuality. The novelty of having a live-in gay best friend, if you will, is the driving force of their good-natured, "ideal" relationship. I feel that it's not so much a good picture of how an ordinary couple got through divorce, which is a very difficult process, but of how special circumstances made it easy to transition to feminine friendship. Taking into account Segrin & Nabi's (weak) finding that those who watch more relationship-genre television will spend more time fantasizing about marriage, it might be suggested that people who see divorce as happy as this on television will also fantasize about their divorce, and how simple it may turn out to be when in fact this is most likely not the case. But Emily, I definitely agree with you that it raises some very interesting points about the "ideal" relationship between a man and a woman.

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  2. Wow Emily and Mary I think you have both brought up some very interesting points. Emily, I completely agree and am intrigued by this shows counter script to the common portrayals of marriage as fairy tale like. Sergin and Nabi noted that although the fact that marriages often end in divorce is common knowledge a majority of their subjects did not believe that they themselves would be divorced. Clearly there is a disconnect in people's understanding or expectations of marriage. By creating a show centered around a couple's divorce Happily Divorced seems to bring divorce to the forefront, eliminating the common portrayal of happiness and joy associated with marriage. However, although this show is centered around divorce I have to agree with Mary, it seems that this show is also promoting a happily ever after of their own. Although Fran and Peter are divorced their "happy" and healthy relationship communicates that divorce is nothing to be afraid of and that it is easy to maintain relationships with your ex spouse. While I don't know if the show's message is any more realistic than the normal portrayals of h apply ever after marriages I do think that simply addressing divorce is a positive step toward ending adolescents unrealistic expectations of marriage.

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