I am neither a “rom-com” nor a
“chick-flick” kind of girl, but When Harry
Met Sally is one of my all-time favorite movies because of its humorous
analysis of dating, relationships, and friendships between the opposite sexes.
It all begins when college graduates Sally Albright and Harry Burns drive from
Chicago to New York City together to begin the next chapter of their lives.
They argue about and discuss relationships and sex, leading the film’s famous
theme to be brought up: “Can men and women be just friends?” Over the next 12 years of their lives, Harry and
Sally randomly meet a few more times, and with Harry’s persistence and against
his own philosophy, they eventually become very good friends. Sally and Harry
seem inseparable—attending museums, going to dinner, talking every night on the
telephone—and yet they are dating other people and denying that there is
anything but friendship between them. Eventually, after a difficult breakup for
Sally, she calls Harry over to comfort her, and they end up having sex and
ruining their friendship. They are no longer friends for a time and have a few
confrontations, but after some reflection on both characters’ sides, they
realize they are in love and they end up together (finally). It’s an
interesting movie in that it suggests a more realistic representation of
relationships than do most romantic comedies (in my opinion, anyway) and
actually suggests that sex can get in
the way of friendships and can indeed have negative consequences. Harry and
Sally have an emotionally intimate friendship but they are also, after a time,
completely comfortable around each other to the point where they can talk about
sex quite frankly without embarrassment. Although they aren’t technically “in
love” until the end of the movie, I’m going to argue for this assignment that
their relationship in the movie is actually a romantic one since they are so
emotionally invested in one another and spend so much time together.
Scene
1: On their road-trip to New York City, Harry and Sally make a pit-stop at a
diner for supper. After they finish eating, Harry is sitting quietly staring at
Sally and tells her that she is attractive. She is angry because she assumes it
is a “come-on”—which Harry does not deny—and he is currently dating one of Sally’s
good friends. Harry jokes around with her, rhetorically asking her why a man
can’t say a woman is attractive without it being a “come-on.” Sally firmly
tells him that they will just be friends, which is when Harry brings up the
infamous point that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always
gets in the way. The clip can be watched here:
http://youtu.be/aJz1f8hPRGc
As
far as communicating what men are supposed to act like in a relationship, Harry
kind of exemplifies this when he tells Sally she’s attractive—and then
(jokingly) suggests they spend the night in a motel. This reflects Kim et al’s research
of heterosexual scripts that men will act on their sexual needs (2007, p. 146)
and Ward’s assertion that “men are characterized as being in a constant state
of sexual desire and readiness”(2003, p. 356). Sally retorts to Harry’s
assertion that men can’t be friends with women they find attractive by asking
if men can be friends with women they find unattractive, to which Harry replies
“No, they’d pretty much want to nail them too.” This also follows Ward’s
observation that men are depicted as constantly sexually ready (2003, p. 356).
This
scene doesn’t really give a good picture of what women are supposed to act like
or want in a relationship, although it could be argued that Sally’s offense at
Harry’s “come-on” is the “women […] set sexual limits” dimension of Kim et al’s
concept of the female heterosexual script (2007, p. 147).
Scene
2: After their friendship has grown more established and they have become
older, Harry and Sally are sitting in Katz’s Delicatessen having lunch, talking
about Harry’s promiscuous habits and how he never wants to sleep over at a
woman’s house. Sally gets upset because Harry is acting very nonchalantly and
is full of confidence that he is awesome at sex. She asks him how he knows the
women he sleeps with enjoy themselves and he assures her that he knows they
orgasm. Sally doesn’t believe him and tells him that most women have faked it
at one time or another and, when Harry doesn’t believe her, she fake orgasms
loudly in the middle of the restaurant, smiles at him, and calmly goes back to
eating her sandwich.
http://youtu.be/F-bsf2x-aeE
This
scene contains several messages for both men and women concerning their
supposed roles in sexual, romantic relationships. First, Harry acts
nonchalantly when Sally asks him about they way in which he treats the
one-night-stands he sleeps with and sarcastically tells her he feels terrible
about making up a lie in order to leave after sex. This follows the male
heterosexual script traits of “treating women as sexual objects” and “avoiding
commitment and emotional attachment with women” (Kim et al, 2003, p. 147). He
then goes on to defend himself by telling Sally that the women he sleeps with
have orgasms, and denies that they could be faking it, going along with the
“scripted notion that sexual prowess is an important component of boy’s/men’s
masculinity” (Kim et al, 2003, p. 147). Sally further asserts this code when
she says, “Oh, I forgot—you’re a man. […] All men are sure that it never
happens to them.”
Sally,
on the other hand, is fulfilling the heterosexual code of “seeking stability
and emotional involvement from male partners” by essentially telling Harry that
she is angry with him on behalf of all women when he lies to get out of
emotional attachment (Kim et al, 2003, p. 147). Sally’s statement that all
women have, at one time, faked an orgasm follows the heterosexual script in
that it shows how women “do not expect, demand, or prioritize their own sexual
pleasure” (Kim et al, 2003, p. 148). It could be argued that her display of a
fake orgasm is part of Kim et al’s Female Courting Strategy since she does it
to prove a point to Harry, or to “attain power in [the] romantic relationship”
and it could be considered “playful innuendo” (2003, p. 148).
Scene
3: After Harry runs into his ex-wife with her new husband, he explodes in anger
at his two friends in the process of moving in together, telling them that they
will eventually divorce and everyone will end up miserable. Sally goes outside
after him and reprimands him, culminating in an argument between the two. Begin
this clip at 1:31 to see the short scene:
http://youtu.be/gtWg8_2nNXs
The
argument begins with Sally gently reprimanding Harry for blowing up, and he
responds by turning the focus back on her and how “nothing upsets her,”
referring to her big breakup with Joe—this could arguably be coded as female
passivity, under Kim et al’s Feminine Courtship Strategies (2003, p. 148).
Harry asks her if she’s so over Joe, then why isn’t she sleeping with anybody?
This exemplifies Harry’s understanding of relationships in terms of the male
heterosexual script trait, “actively pursuing sexual relationships” (Kim et al,
2003, p. 147), though for him it’s a way of coping with feelings of loss. Sally
becomes very angry and tells him that sleeping with someone has nothing to do
with getting over Joe and tells Harry that she will sleep with someone when it
is “making love” and not the way he does it. By saying this Sally follows the
heterosexual coding of the “Good Girl,” setting sexual limits, and generally
seeking an emotional attachment to sexual partners as well as not prioritizing
sexual desire (Kim et al, 2003, p. 147-148). Finally, this scene encompasses
two different types of sexual relationships as discussed by Ward; recreational,
which in Harry’s style is that “the purpose of sex is to enjoy oneself,” and
relational, which Sally defends as a way to “maintain a relationship” and “sex
as a way by which to express affection and intimacy” (1995, p. 600).
Based on traits of both female and
male heterosexual scripts as well as definitions and characteristics of
recreational sexual relations versus relational sexual situations, it seems
that When Harry Met Sally is
suggesting that recreational sex is more likely to be a “man’s domain” and
relational sex is more likely to be a “woman’s domain.” I don’t think that it
would be unfair to say that this observation is reflected in several other
contemporary films and television shows, although this film raises interesting
questions about the boundaries of male/female friendship that many other media
do not address.
S3 is kind of infamous in Ann Arbor and the surrounding area because it so proudly parades its intents to provide correct, consistent sexual health information (see the entire background of the store here). Not only does S3 deliver upon this goal, but takes it above and beyond sexual health information with a wide array of sex toys, condoms, lubricants, sex practices books, and even novelty items like a cake mold shaped like a penis (a practical addition to any college student's kitchen). S3 is unique because they encourage young people (well, all people, but this is a college town) to enjoy sex by doing it in a safe, healthy way--a far cry from the government-mandated abstinence-only teachings we received in middle and high school. Upon my first trip into the store about a month ago, I was greeted with a dizzying amount of vibrators, dildos, sexual fetish items, and a wall of condoms; needless to say, I was a bit overwhelmed and instinctively uncomfortable. As I browsed the condom wall and tried not to stare at the giant dildo inches from my face, I overheard the staff member (a former classmate of mine, actually), explaining to a customer the differences between the 50-or-so lubricants carried in the store. She was courteous, informed, and unabashed in her descriptions, and quite frankly, I was impressed. We chatted for a while, and she asked me if I needed help finding anything, etc etc--I won't go into it--but at first I found myself kind of embarrassed to talk to her. Then I thought, why? We're literally having a conversation in the middle of a sexual carnival and everyone else in that store wouldn't be there if they weren't seeking something as well.
I can't tell you the number of times I've walked past groups of freshman or high schoolers roaming South U and stopped in front of S3, peeking in the windows, giggling, and discussing in hushed tones how weird it is that Ann Arbor has a store devoted to sex. In light of the importance placed on sexual health education and its positive impacts on young people, as seen in the Delgado & Austin study, why are we so awkward and embarrassed when it comes to talking about sex? Isn't talking about sex, after all, the first step in sex ed? Delgado & Austin found that young people who had undergone a "media intervention" showed a "significant decrease in risk" and were more likely to use a condom than those who had no intervention (2007, p. 405-406). How are we supposed to get these results if we're too nervous or embarrassed to talk or to ask about it? Hust et al make perfectly clear that the media isn't taking responsibility for providing a healthy sexual education to young people, stating that a common theme throughout television programming is that "sexual health is humiliating and humorous" and citing Kunkel et al's finding that only about 10% of sexual scenes in popular television programs have a sexual precaution message (2008; 2005). If schools are teaching abstinence and media are teaching that sex is always risk-free as well as a humiliating subject, where are young people supposed to receive knowledge about the alternative?--that is, a healthy, precaution-driven sexual life. Organizations like S3 step up to the plate and provide a risk-free way to receive answers to questions about sex. There is an entire section of the website devoted to answering sexual health questions, how to use a condom, toy and vibrator information... it's the embarrassed college freshman's dream. S3 defies conventional attitudes towards sex and provides a safe, judgment-free place for people to learn about a natural part of human identity. While the role of the media is clearly extremely important in forming attitudes towards sex (see every article we've read for this class), I think that more credibility and attention needs to be given to organizations like S3 that attempt to change attitudes--perhaps S3 should be leading sexual health workshops in schools, though it would never happen. My point is that if we all regarded sex like S3, I honestly think our society would be much healthier, and much more satisfied, with their sexual lives. The next time you pass by S3, don't be shy to check it out--you might just learn something.
